The referee had accidentally collided with
a player, fallen and injured his knee.
On his way back from the doctor's
surgery after the match, he met one of the players from the game.
"You all right ref? You don't look so
good. Bad news from the doc?"
"Yes it is. He says I can't
referee."
"Oh. Seen you in action has he
. . .?"
_____________________
Mother
to Father: “I think our son has the makings of a football hooligan. Last
week he called the referee a ‘right W*****’ and today he threw a bottle. I
don’t mind what he thinks about referees but you’ll really have to do
something about him – the bottle smashed the TV.____________________
Have you heard the one
about the referee who went to see a mind reader?
She
gave him his money back.
____________________
‘I have nothing
against the visually handicapped as such - I'm just surprised they're allowed
to referee at this level.’
Anon
_________________________
“I don't understand it,” the
referee complained to his assessor. “One match I do very well, then the next
match I'm terrible. And that’s what you saw today.”
"Well,” said the assessor
helpfully, “maybe you should just do every other game”.
____________________
I never comment on referees and I’m not
going to break the habit of a life-time for that prat.
Ron
Atkinson
_________________________
The referee had gone
to see his doctor because he was getting breathless towards the end of games.
The doctor examined him thoroughly and pronounced: “You’re generally fit
but, to put it simply, you’re too fat”.
“What do you mean, ‘I’m too
fat’. I’d like to have a second opinion”.
“OK. You’re a lousy referee as
well.
_______________________________________________
“Referees are traditionally
alleged to be the product of one-parent families, born with appalling eyesight,
and with a knowledge of football that begins and ends with
the letter of the law. Well,
let me say straight away that that is just not true.
It only applies to 99% of them”.
____________________
The three
English officials were in France for an important UEFA game.
The night before the match the referee had a bit of a sore throat and as
a precaution went to the nearby pharmacy. The
pharmacist, who spoke some English with a charming music hall accent, explained
as he handed over the packet of large capsules: “ We call zeez ‘soup-oz-
ee-treez’. Verree good for eellness”
The following
morning, over breakfast, one of the assistants asked the referee whether he
managed to get anything for his throat and how he was feeling.
“Yes, I got
some capsules from the chemist but, to be honest, for all the good they’ve
done me, I might just as well have stuck them up my backside”.
____________________
“How can you pick a referee out in
a crowd?”
“He’s the
one with the guide dog”.
___________________
"It
was a fair decision the penalty, even though it was debatable whether it was
outside or inside the box."
Bobby
Charlton
________________________
The ref was a Slav from Treblanka
Assistants were both from Sri Lanka
Though their English was good
What was not understood
Was the fans’ favourite cry:
‘You’re a W*****!.
____________________
Referee blows for the infringement
Player:
“Direct or indirect ref?”
Referee
(indicating his arm stretching skywards): “What do you think this is supposed
to mean?”
Player:
“Well, if you don’t know ref, what bloody chance have I got?”
____________________
The referee’s wife was convinced her
husband was obsessive about football and refereeing and suggested he should get
professional help. For a quiet life the husband agreed. The famous
psychiatrist’s method was to show his patients letters of the alphabet . From
their reaction, he claimed, he could detect any psychological abnormalities.
He welcomed the referee and explained that
he wanted him to react immediately to the card shown to him.
The psychiatrist showed him the letter
‘X’.
‘A penalty mark’.
The letter ‘H’
‘A goal from the wrong sort of
football,’
The letter ‘d’.
‘A referee signalling an indirect free
kick.’
The letter ‘o’.
‘A football’.
The letter ‘I’.
‘A corner flag.
The psychiatrist carefully stacked his
letter cards and looked gravely at his patient.
‘I’m afraid your wife is absolutely
right. You do have a deep-seated obsession with football and refereeing.’
Referee: ‘What do you mean I have
an obsession? You chose the bloody cards.’
___________________________________________
What is the difference between a man awaiting
a hospital operation and a referee?
The
patient is on his trolley.
____________________
“I see their manager’s reffing today.
He looks a real novice.”
“He certainly is. When I asked him if he
used the diagonal method of control, he thought I was a sex therapist.”
____________________
The novice Assistant Referee was having a
torrid time. “Get yer flag up, Lino!” “Get yer flag down, Lino!” “Get
yer eyes tested, Lino!”
At last he could stand it no longer. He
turned and shouted at his tormentors: “Why do you keep calling me Lino?”
“Cos you’d be much better at home laid
out on the floor!”
____________________
Football
fan: “Of course referees are inconsistent. They give a lot more penalties to
them than they give to us”.
____________________
Reluctantly
the instructor had to reject the applicant for the referee training course. He
discovered that the young man could name both his parents, had perfect eyesight
and did not indulge in self-abuse . . . .
____________________
The
man arrives at the Pearly Gates and is stopped by God.
“I understand you were a referee in
your earthly life, my son.”
“I was, Holy Father.”
“Did you always try to make fair and
good decisions?”
“I did, Holy Father.”
“Is there anything you want to
confess to me about your life as a referee?”
“There is, Holy Father.”
“And what is that, my son?”
“When
I was refereeing an international in South America I gave a doubtful penalty
against the home team.”
“And when was that, my son?”
“About three minutes ago, Holy
Father.”
_________________________________
The ref was vertically 15 yards away.
Kevin Keegan
______________________
I think you and the
referee were in a minority of one, Billy.
Jimmy Armfield
_________________________
Referee trainer: ‘How
did you find the candidates from our recent training course?’
Referee examiner:
‘Quite good in general but one was a bit of a worry. When I asked him to tell
me about a dropped ball, he said he hadn’t been told anything about first
aid.’
_________________________
Referee to assessor: “You don’t think
I’m big-headed about my refereeing do you?”
Assessor:
“Why do you ask?”
Referee:
“Well, it’s just that referees as good as me usually are.”
__________________________________________
It’s like a toaster the ref’s shirt pocket. Every time there’s a tackle, up pops a yellow card.
Kevin Keegan
_________________________
Before
the Assistant Referee put on his kit he dusted himself liberally with talcum
powder, so the first time he broke
into a sprint, a huge puff of talc issued from his shorts. Instant shout from the crowd:
“Look out, Lino, yer balls are on fire.”
____________________
The referee was back in the dressing room after the game. Knock on the door and the assessor walked in
The referee smiled: "How did I do?"
The assessor hesitated only a moment: "I've seen a really wonderful refereeing performance. . . . ."
The referee beamed with pleasure.
"But that certainly wasn't it"
____________________
Man who cannot see what all other people see, he football referee.
Old Chinese Proverb
____________________________________________________________________________________