One day, while the seven dwarfs were deep in the mine, there was a rock fall. When they didn’t arrive home at the usual time, Snow White went to see what was wrong. She called anxiously down the mine and was greeted by a faint response. “I want to be a referee; I want to be a referee”.
Snow White smiled in relief: “Well at least Dopey’s still alive”.
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I used to play football in my youth but then my eyes went bad, so I became a referee.
Eric Morecambe
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Small boy: “Mu-um”
Mother: “Yes Darren”.
Small boy: “Teacher says I have to see the Schools’ Psychia - something”.
Mother, anxiously: “Who? Did she say ‘Psychiatrist’”
Small boy: “ I think so”
Mother, even more anxiously: “Did she say why? What had you been doing?”.
Small boy: “Nothing Mum, honest. She just asked what we wanted to be when we grew up and I said ‘A referee like my dad’.”
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After the match an official asked for two of my players to take a dope test, I offered them the referee.
Tommy Docherty
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Soccer referees, it would appear, are a disappointing breed. The Football League say that fewer and fewer referees are applying to join the League panel . . . and I can’t say I’m surprised. After all, there can’t be that many deaf, blind and stupid illegitimate children born in a country the size of England.
Paul Hince
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What the world needs is more referees with humility – there are so few of us left
After the referee had had a nightmare of a match, the assessor, choosing his words carefully, said, ‘On the basis of your performance today I don’t really think you should be refereeing at this level. ‘
Deeply concerned, the referee related what had happened to his friend, the senior linesman, who was quick to console him. 'Don't take it too much to heart, mate. He doesn't know what he's talking about. He only repeats what everybody else is saying.'
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"Ronaldo is always very close to being either onside or offside." Anon
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The recently retired Premiership and FIFA referee was into good works.
At the old peoples’ home he said to a very elderly man: “Are you interested in football?”
“I certainly am”, was the firm reply. “Been an Arsenal supporter for over 80 years.”
“Great.” replied the referee enthusiastically. “Do you know who I am?”
"No, but if you ask her nicely, Matron will tell you”.
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The two referees were discussing a player they both had sent off recently.
“You know the problem with him – he’s temperamental.”
“How do you mean ‘temperamental’”?
“50% temper and 50% mental.”
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The referee went to his doctor with real earache, not the sort habitually given to him by the players and fans. When the doctor heard the problem described, he took out his otoscope and inserted the end into his patient’s ear. After only a moment, he withdrew the instrument and said: “Excuse me, sir, are you by any chance a referee?”
“As it happens I am,” the patient replied. “Why do you ask?”
“I thought you must be. It’s just that I can see right through to the other side.”
After being barracked non-stop for most of the game, the referee finally cracked and shouted at his principal tormentor:
“Who’s refereeing this game? You or me?”
“Neither of us” was the snappy reply.
_______________
“My wife informed me last week she’d leave me if I didn’t stop spending so much time refereeing football matches.!
“That’s a rotten shame.”
“It is. I’ll really miss her.”
_______________
In the TV chat show, the guests were an eminent psychologist and a well-known referee. The host said he wanted to explore the relationship between the spectators and the referee. For a start: Why do the fans chant things like: ‘The referee’s a bastard', and worse?
The psychologist pointed out helpfully that such expressions illustrated the alienation the spectator felt from the authority figure interfering in the legitimate belligerence of their champions, symbolising, as they did, traditional tribal warfare. The reference to the referee’s doubtful parentage was an intuitive expression indicative of deep-seated prejudice and of profound socio-psychological significance.
“Do you agree?”, the host asked his other guest.
“Oh, I just assumed they didn’t like referees.”
_______________
Player: “What would you do, ref’ if I called you a f****** w*****?”
Referee: “Red card and straight off!”
Player: “What would you do if I thought you were a f****** w*****?”
Referee: “You can think whatever you like.”
Player: “In that case, I think you’re a f****** w*****!”
_______________
The defender, always willing to help the referee to make his decisions, shouted “Come on, ref, offside!”
The referee waved play on.
The player was not at all happy and shouted: “ You must be bloody blind, ref.”
The experienced referee was quite unfazed: “I didn’t hear that, no 9”
“Come on, ref. You bloody deaf as well?” was the instant response.
_______________
In an international match, the English striker was flattened by a defender in the area. He appealed to the French referee in no uncertain terms for a penalty
With his heavy music hall French accent the referee explained: “No way, monsieur. You sink I know nussing. Let me tell you, monsieur - about football I know bugger all.”
________________________________________________
The referee just didn’t seem able to get any decisions right.
One agitated spectator was turning to his neighbour to make a suitably colourful remark, when the referee started to gesticulate and shouted “ADVANTAGE”.
“So that’s the bloody problem.. He thinks he’s reffing a f****** game of tennis!”
____________________
I
suppose that he was at least consistent. He was bad all night.
George
Graham’s comment on the referee.
____________________
At
the beginning of the season the manager was reminding his players of
the Law about ‘simulation’ but avoided the actual word for the
sake of any intellectually challenged members of his team.
"
I still want you to go down in the box if you feel as much as a touch
but, whatever you do, DON’T DIVE. Just go to ground and win
the penalty."
The
attacker cut into the box and felt contact from the defender behind
him, so down he went as instructed.
Thereferee blew instantly and the player turned expecting to see
the penalty awarded. Instead the referee was coming grimly towards
him, notebook in hand.
‘Number
7, name please. I’m cautioning you for diving.’
Honest ref, I didn’t dive. I just gone to ground like he told us
to!’
____________________
The
referee met his fellow referee during the week.
First referee: “How did it go
last weekend?”
Second referee: “Terrible. I had a real nightmare.
Difficulty parking the car, huge
crowd. I got jostled and treated with no respect at
all. It was very physical and demanding, and
I had to use the card several times.
I’m never going shopping with my wife again
on a Saturday.”
____________________
“I just don't understand it,” the
referee complained to his assessor.
“One match I do very well, then
the next match I'm terrible. And that’s what you saw today.”
“Well,” said the assessor helpfully, “maybe you should just do
every other game”.
____________________
Old
Chinese proverb:
Man
who see everything and get nothing right, he referee. Man
who see nothing and get everything right, he football manager
____________________
The referee had accidentally collided with
a player, fallen and injured his knee.
On his way back from the doctor's
surgery after the match, he met one of the players from the game.
"You all right ref? You don't look so
good. Bad news from the doc?"
"Yes it is. He says I can't
referee."
"Oh. Seen you in action has he
. . .?"
_____________________
Mother
to Father: “I think our son has the makings of a football hooligan. Last
week he called the referee a ‘right W*****’ and today he threw a bottle. I
don’t mind what he thinks about referees but you’ll really have to do
something about him – the bottle smashed the TV.
____________________
Have you heard the one
about the referee who went to see a mind reader?
She
gave him his money back.
____________________
‘I have nothing
against the visually handicapped as such - I'm just surprised they're allowed
to referee at this level.’
Anon
_________________________
I never comment on referees and I’m not
going to break the habit of a life-time for that prat.
Ron
Atkinson
_________________________
The referee had gone
to see his doctor because he was getting breathless towards the end of games.
The doctor examined him thoroughly and pronounced: “You’re generally fit
but, to put it simply, you’re too fat”.
“What do you mean, ‘I’m too
fat’. I’d like to have a second opinion”.